Thoughts on process and confidence

I've been taking my writing a lot more seriously lately.

Originally, I started this blog with a sort of experimental tone. What would happen if I tried to write a novel? Was I capable of devoting the time? Over the last year, I've succeeded in cementing my schedule so that I have the time to write, even if it costs me other things. I've started to take it as a given that I'm going to finish this book, and that it's going to be enough of a gem for me to send to agents. I'm not entirely certain when this change took place.

On the one hand, it's a good thing, because it means I'm developing the discipline and confidence that I need as a writer. On the other...well. Since I started drafting, I've spent a horrifying amount of time staring at a blank Word document in utter panic, thinking, Oh my God I have to think of Perfect Words where are they why are they not in my brain. That was why I started hand-writing.

The thing is, I like writing longhand. It's more permanent, so I'm forced to think my words out before I commit them to paper; it's slower, so I have the time to think out my next sentence while I'm writing the current one; and, as long as I take my time and write neatly, I can take an aesthetic pleasure from the form of the words that counteracts the automatic, cringing Oh my God it isn't perfect. The fact that it's a bit slower to read as well as to write keeps me focused on the sentence-level instead of the plot-level (serious plot-level thoughts need to happen in plotting-time and revision-time, not while I draft). It also helps that I know I have to type it eventually, so this is nothing more than a draft.

Unfortunately, I am also writing at half speed.

I've been bouncing back and forth for the last few days, and I've finally decided to write the entire draft on paper. (I have an entire journal I set aside for drafting anyway, when I wasn't sure what my process would be.) While this will make for much prettier words and a much less intimidated me, it also means I'll have to take a lot more time out of my day to work. (Thank goodness notebooks are more portable than computers.)

For now, I'm going to keep track of my progress by word count - 1000 words a day, 5 days a week - instead of by time spent. Keeping my word goal the same as if I were typing for 2 hours a day runs the risk of burnout/constant-falling-behind, but I really don't want to take twice as long to get this thing drafted. In the meantime, some reminders to keep me from going nuts:

1. It took JK Rowling 5 years to write the first Harry Potter book (although of course she was plotting a whole series). None of my favorite authors were published before their late 20s/early 30s. I HAVE TIME my goodness.
2. I can always, always, always rewrite sections...but if I do nothing but rewrite, I'll never finish.
3. There's a good chance, as is the case for any writer, that I'll never gain anything but my own enjoyment by writing. If that's the case, I better take the opportunity to actually enjoy it.