Blog of brag

News flash: I'm a perfectionist.

If, you know, you weren't clued in by my obsessive desire to capture every moment of my characters' lives and every detail of the world they live in. I don't do things halfway. Usually it means I get lots of pats on the back and glowingness, but occasionally it turns into a dragon and melts down my self-esteem.

For some reason it's been hitting me hard this year. Not 100% sure why. Might be that I'm challenged by all of my classes and don't expect a 4.0 in any of them; might be, in particular, my workshop classes, which are giving me hard critique for my writing for the first time in years (if ever). Might be that I'm off-campus and fully out of the music world, which means I'm at a bit of a distance from a lot of friends. Might just be that I'm really, genuinely pleased with the way the year is planning out, and the lizard in the back of my brain is trying to drag me down from that before something turns out to be a disappointment.

In any case, yesterday I was wandering the web and stumbled on this post by the lovely MR Graham. (Read her stuff, by the way. She has a lovely way with words, and I'm amazed by her ability to switch between eras/writing styles/character voices.) I decided that this was exactly what I needed to perk up.

So, my own list of awesomeness:

- I'm good with words. Reading is my unparalleled love (sorry, fellow human beings) and writing has been my pastime of choice for the last decade. I have a good grasp of what makes writing solid, on a mechanical (i.e. grammar) level in particular, and I'm employed at my school's writing center. I can turn a good image, my writing flows, and I'm good at making people care about my characters: in my fiction workshop, the prevailing critique has been, "I don't like fantasy/I had no idea what was going on, but I really liked the images/characters anyway!" At first I was disappointed that my stories don't make sense (probably because I've been writing for myself for so long), but come to think of it, that's actually quite a feat.

- I'm a musician. I would probably be on my way to a college degree in it if music wasn't so intensely demanding of my time and passion. I have the voice, background knowledge, and pitch recognition to make a decent singer if I ever get some training. I play flute, recorder, and an eensy basic bit of piano. My primary instrument and love, however, is the oboe. Yep: I can play oboe without sounding like a duck. I make my own reeds, too. If you don't know how difficult that is, go and find an instrumentalist to explain. (You could ask me, of course, but then you're in for a ten-page treatise on the struggles of the double-reed player.)

- I'm an excellent student. This used to be something I couldn't brag about, since it stemmed mostly from natural aptitude instead of dedication; since I've started college-level work, however, I think it's fair for me to include it here. It's not just that I have the genetic component that makes someone a good learner (which I do). I'm able and willing to apply myself and to really take the time needed to learn whatever I want to learn. I can go beyond rote memorization or teacher instruction into the how and why of what I'm learning. And my own interest in learning -- slowly but surely -- is starting to rise up, now that I'm taking classes that challenge me without being overwhelming.

- I'm not someone who gets unduly worked up about things. You know, a cool head and all that. I'm the sort of person who starts laughing when I realize I'm lost on the road -- because, you know, you have to end up somewhere eventually -- and just kind of stares in perplexity when my friends start fighting about the silliest thing. On the rare occasion something bothers me enough to have an argument over, I stick to the topic at hand and avoid attacking the person: not because of my Superior Moral Standing, but because what's the point? All it does is build resentment and derail a perfectly good argument into a fight. I have a close friend who tells me she goes to me for things because I'm rational. It kind of makes me laugh because really, I'm just as messy and mixed-up as every other human being on the planet. But hey, I'll take credit where it's given.

- I'm not much into false modesty. See above. Actually, self-deprecation is a habit I got into when I first started college, and I'm still trying to break back into my normal arrogance. I believe firmly that a bit of an ego is a good thing, as long as you have a friend to knock you down to earth before you try to do something stupid, like jump off a cliff because you think your bones are unbreakable.

- For someone who's never studied it in a classroom, I like to think I have a pretty good grasp of the human psyche. First off, I'm a writer, and in order to write good fiction you have to have a basic understanding of How People Think. (That is to say, by my definition of "good fiction" - which may not match yours. You're perfectly entitled to disagree, but I personally get bored with fiction that doesn't show characters with some mental depth.) When someone comes to me upset about what so-and-so did, my instinctive response tends to be, "Well, they probably did it because of X, which tends to bother them because Y..." Lots of people don't appreciate that approach, but I stick by it (unless they honestly just need a vent). Understanding is the first step to communication, and communication is the only way to resolution. It takes a lot for me to get mad at someone - not just because I'm fairly laid-back by nature (which I am, mostly), but because about 80% of the time I can see where they're coming from. And if I don't know where they're coming from, odds are I've seen enough of their personality to know that it makes sense to them on some level.

-

So there you have it! A lovely, long, rambly post of awesome. It was easier than I expected, and it actually helped more than I thought it would! My list of achievements is nowhere near Ms. Graham's, I have to admit - but then, she's a degree and a half and a teaching career ahead of me. :P